What Causes Divorce ?

By Greg Jenkins

Lawyers and judges cause divorce. After all, divorce is just the legal end to a marriage.

The bigger question is what causes a marriage to fail? I have been facilitating divorce recovery support groups for over 10 years. I should know the answer to this question. If I could just tell every married couple the answer, then divorce could be eliminated. Surely no one would go through the agony of divorce if they knew how to prevent it?
What causes bankruptcy? It couldn’t possibly be spending more than you make. What causes a lot of lung cancer? It couldn’t possibly be smoking cigarettes. What causes pregnancy? It couldn’t possibly be sexual intercourse? We all know the answers here; many choose to ignore them.

Divorce is caused by selfishness. One, or both of the partners in a marriage consistently make the choice to believe their needs are more important than their partners. We all stand and promise to love, honor and cherish. Somewhere along the way we become so complacent to believe that our spouse will love us no matter how we treat them. We get so wrapped up in our careers, kids and survival that we take our spouse for granted. We foolishly think that they will worship us simply because we live in the same house. When we think they don’t, we get dissatisfied. How dare they not show us the respect we deserve? I can be happier by myself (or with what’s their name who seems interested in me). After all, it is all about ME!!!

I realize there are situations where divorce is the best option. Abuse, neglect and infidelity have to be dealt with appropriately. These are not the situations I am addressing here. I am writing this to appeal to the couples that are looking for an easy way out of their unhappiness. I can tell you from experience; divorce isn’t the way. Divorce is one of those things you never really get “over”. Oh, you will move on. You can become a contented single adult or in time, move on to another relationship, but you will always remember the failure. If there are children involved, their lives will be changed forever; but you have a “right to happiness”, don’t you? Sadly, some people have to lose everything to realize that happiness comes from within. Your spouse is not responsible for your happiness. They can do a lot to facilitate your happiness, but ultimately they don’t control it forever. Happiness is too closely connected to our circumstances to base a life on it alone.

We make many choices every day. We choose to get out of bed, get dressed, go to work or play, etc. The common denominator in all choice is consequences. Each decision causes us to “count the cost”, however briefly. We don’t give a lot of deep thought to most of the choices we make because they are so simple. Choosing to love your spouse is often viewed as one of these “simple” decisions. After all, didn’t we already promise to do that when we said, “I do”? Choosing to make your spouse feel loved is a decision requiring effort. We can’t just say it; we have to do it, even if we don’t always feel like it.

What causes divorce?
I believe it’s not enough “I Will” between the “I Do” and the “I Quit”.